The Bullshit List

#18: the “exploitation of women” in advertising

i’m pretty sure advertising is exploiting everyone, all the time. and if i’m not mistaken these sorts of ads are pointed right at my dick, which i am told runs the show and i am powerless to stop it from buying shit at places where women might be scantily-clad. turns out the joke is on them though because i don’t shop there, and masturbating to their ads is free. am i rite?

#17: wine-tasting

it’s a hobby, i know, and this is sort of like ragging on someone for being really into model trains, but nobody needs to know that you taste white pepper, geranium, and toasty oak in your fantastic ‘02 pinot grigio. it’s rotten grapes. it tastes like good grapes or bad rotten grapes. if you can taste cookie dough in there, you’ve either got the world’s shittiest super power, or you’re delusional.

and the next time i hear the word “mouthfeel” i’m going to bite a hunk out of someone’s scalp.

lastly, look at this lady’s fucking face. that is unacceptable.

[note: all descriptions taken from actual wine reviews. FUUUUUUCCKKK YYYOOOOOUOUU]

#16: Saying You Were a “Chameleon” in High School
by a super-secret guest (who i’m pretty sure was a “dork” in high school)

“Oh, I was a chameleon in high school. I hung out with the dweebies, jocks, sluts, greasers, asians, skaters, pretend-skaters, gays, debate team, and the bloody principal”.  You know how every girl you ever talk to thinks that she’s the only girl in the world who likes Audrey Hepburn, but has never seen Charade? This is like that. If everyone who said these things weren’t actually deluding themselves, then Breakfast at Tiffany’s would be on television more than the Breakfast Club, and in the case of the chameleon thing, the Breakfast Club wouldn’t exist. When you say you were a “chameleon” what you’re actually saying is that you were snobby girl who went to all the parties and when you were paired up with geeks for group projects, you were kind enough to hold back vomiting at the idea of actually spending time with these future indie rockers (and food magnates). Also, being a chameleon is a terrible idea.  Why are you bragging about changing who you are depending on who is around you and what people want? Wait… are you Madonna?

#15: phone batteries

is there any reason besides bare greed that i can’t just use a goddamn a/c adapter on this motherfucker? if i ever die because of some dead battery/proprietary phone charger situation, i’m going to haunt the shit out of whoever’s in charge of this. shaking beds, bloody faces in the mirror, possessions, all of it. this is a promise.

#14:

so i’m sitting here at work doing nothing, trying and failing to think of something to be annoyed by. what the fuck? way to turn the enjoyable distraction of yelling about things i can’t change into some sort of weird obligation, pal. now you’ve got a reason to be dissatisfied with satisfaction.

oh, shit, i just thought of something.

#14: no, wait, nevermind.

turns out i’m not irritated at all today. maybe i should be sleeping less.

#13: when the world wakes up

i’m awake at 5:30, every day, and tend to be full of rage and terror until about 11. anyone who is okay with the current state of affairs is an enemy, and should watch their goddamn back. if everyone just agreed to wake up and go to bed three hours later, i wouldn’t be in this bullshit situation.

you hear that, world? fuck you. FUUUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKK YYYYYOOOOOOOOUUUUUUU

#12: DJs
also by an extra-special guest, who’s one step away from being #13

DJing is NOT an artform, and even if it were, I’d have a hard time digesting any art that was created by someone in a flat brimmed hat and giant hoodie (Do people still say “wigger”?). Although, like most art, it’s generally practiced by thirty-somethings who are spoiled rich off daddy/drug money. Unless you’re doing a set of waltzes, it’s basically just repeatedly counting to four and playing the top hits off Beatport. Oh what? You “dig” for rare albums that nobody has ever heard of? 
1. If it’s good, people have heard of it. 
2. Meta culture brah. Everyone can hear anything if they want to. Nothing is rare. I encourage everyone with an iPhone to Shazam that shit. Try writing a song… no wait, please don’t.

#11: Drop Crotch Pants
by an extra-special guest

If Rosario Dawson can’t look good in these diapers (see: Death Proof) then your hipster ass doesn’t either. Men look like they’ve aged their balls fifty years and fifty sizes, and women look like they’ve stolen all the world’s labia and are hiding them in the appropriate space. In fact, I’d RATHER be pulling off an adult diaper of a woman I’m about to fuck than some sort of acrobat attire. If seen, it’s a sound idea to push these people down. It’s difficult for them to get back up.

#10: Nine Inch Nails

the only good nine inch nails song is one i hallucinated. it was(n’t) on the downward spiral, and it had this awesome distorted pedal steel guitar on it. other than that one imaginary track, everything trent reznor has ever done is just lame. i know, lots of newly-pubescent folks have all kinds of troubles, but this is a 45 year-old man who clearly doesn’t realize he should have been using the last 30 to, you know, move on.

furthermore, ‘closer’? there was a bar in my hometown where they’d play it at closing time every night, and it made me want to get a lobotomy. HEY THIS SONG REMINDS ME OF FUCKING. I WOULD LIKE TO FUCK/BE FUCKED LIKE AN ANIMAL. it’s like getting turned on by r&b, but even more obvious. when i think of people like this, i can only picture the inside of their head as having the words “sex”, “food”, and “sleep” in giant block letters that light up. if you get turned on by the most overt and impersonal mention of the word “fuck”, you might want to think about sterilization. you are a danger to society, and your genes are poisonous.

i mean jesus christ, people. we’re trying to have a civilization here.

#9: coffee

sure, i need it to get through my day; it’s coffee, and i am tired. as a society, we need a socially-accepted stimulant to function properly. this is obvious. however, why aren’t we going for overall efficacy here? i’d rather be popping a bunch of dexadrine every morning, and if some coffee shop offered an amphetamine drink i promise i would be there every morning (come to think of it, it should probably stay open 24 hours). i mean, at least my stomach wouldn’t hurt and my bathroom would be clean. as it is, i’m sitting here vibrating and irritable and nauseous and only slightly more motivated than 4 hours ago.

jesus christ, i feel like i’m going to die.

(i’ll see you guys in january for “#10: meth”!)